Monday, April 4, 2011

Without The Lord

Tonight I sit here and ponder a verse that I found when I went searching for one to bring me "comfort". I'm tired. I'm overwhelmed. I'm sick from exhaustion. I'm proud of my "through thick and thin" family.

I am... I am... I am..

Mostly, I am just trying to process.

Death is a sad, scary thing to have to deal with, even if you know it's coming, even been coming.

Tonight, I sit here and lament for those who do not know the Lord. How depressing it must be to believe when this sad, painful life is over, there is no rejoicing with our Father.

Today's service was a very uplifting service. She would have wanted that. Andy rewrote a song of her's to make it more lively and rejoicing. As he and Todd sang it, I felt her presence, right along with the Lord. I felt Him smile.

As I looked towards the front at one woman in my life gone, I looked to the side of me to see another that I am slowly losing. Alzheimers.... Some days she remembers me, some days she spits at me. It's so hard.

I couldn't help but cry today when LeeAnn sang "Going Home" by the Gaithers and I listened as Grandma sang along. A beautiful heavenly voice... For a second, I caught a glimpse of the woman who means so much to me. But it was just a glimpse.

Tonight - I weep. I weep for what has been taken from me - a great-grandmother; a grandmother whose body still roams the earth but whose mind slowly fades... Tonight, I pity myself for those I will miss. BUT tomorrow, I rejoice for no more suffering. Tomorrow, I rejoice for the little glimpses and memories I can make with her. Tomorrow I rejoice...
"Weeping may remain for a night, but rejoicing comes in the morning." -Psalm 30:5

1 comment:

Jhona O. said...

So beautiful and heart-breaking. Have I told you how glad I am that you're sharing your thoughts with us again? I needed to read this today.