Monday, February 4, 2013

A Work in Progress

I have been up for hours.

I have been thinking for hours.

There have been many situations that presented themselves this weekend. Situations in which I made the wrong choices. Situations in which I let my insecurities and the devil interfere in what I should have done.

I have been beating myself up for hours about how I made choices in which I am not proud. But I know just as the insecurities that are flooding me right now, this unmerciful beating I am giving myself is not from the Lord.

I sought His forgiveness and once again, He delivered. It is I that cannot forgive myself. As I sit here and delve into His word, I am comforted that He knows me.

Yes there are many things I need to work on. I yearn to love others as He loves me and them. I yearn to show compassion and understanding. I yearn to reach out and comfort.

Though I am not prone to those feelings, with His help and guidance I can bring them to fruit. But the key is to not beat myself up when I fail. I will continue pressing ahead.

So.... Next time....

When a hurting heart is before me, instead of listening to the thoughts others have placed in my head, I will reach out.

When my kids are rowdy and not listening, I will choose grace and love.

When a mama reaches out and tries to get to know me, I will pull out a chair and welcome her instead of being scared.

When a friend isn't who I thought they were and hurts me, I will continue to love them and try to get to know them.

I will smile more.

I will look people in the eyes when they talk to me instead of being nervous and look away.

I will try to hug more.

I will be more patient with myself and my husband.

I will reach out.

I will worry less about what others think of me and if they like me and instead will be more concerned if He is seen in me.

I will focus on my relationship with the Lord, my marriage, raising little souls for Him and our haven before I concern myself with outside affairs.

I will do my best and let the rest go.

I will stop beating myself up.

I will see myself as the daughter of the Most High King.

I am His...

Friday, February 1, 2013

Mind Swirling, Purging on you & IPKWs

What a title!!

Goodness. I am about to purge a whole bunch of thoughts and feelings and ramblings on you. I'm pretty sure that if you continue reading, you might have wished you had clicked the "x" at the top right corner. ..

Where to begin?

Let's just be completely transparent and dive in. Many of noticed my mood. My funk. My yuckiness. My lack of initiative. My lack of it all. All but the couch and the TV. I don't know if you can say that I have been battling the waves of depression or if I'm just tired and recovering.

I have been a hot mess. A hot mess I tell you.

Let's begin with the journey our family began at the beginning of the new year. We, after YEARS of prayer and God-searching, left the only church that any of us had ever known. We had researched, watched sermons and prayed over churches for months. We knew the one God was calling us to try. We have really enjoyed it but...

It has been a struggle.

Much more than I had ever thought. It has opened sores, past hurts, insecuities and questions in myself that I had never known existed. It's made me examine.

It has been extremely hard to go to a place where people have to get to know you. Where people aren't just family and where people like you to like you, not because you're related or they wiped your bottom.

It has been equally as hard to let people get to know you when you don't know you. I don't know who I am anymore. I don't know what's important to me. It's so hard to step out of your family's faith and stand on your own two faith feet. It's been painful. Painful especially when you see such disappointment in their eyes. It tears me up.

Let me take you back to the moment when I realized JUST how important this decision and many decisions I am making are...

December 14th, 2012 at 12:13 - I catch a quick glance of the news. Why is the news on? It's never on. I don't like my children to hear the news.

Wait. A school shooting?! What is going on?!

For the next hours, I hold my babies and glance out the window waiting for Dylan to get home from school. It had been hours of excruciation. I had been fighting the urge to go and grab him from the school and yell with all the hurt in my heart for those families... "I can't trust you! My child is safe NO WHERE but with me!". I didn't. It was hard. And honestly, it was only the Lord that kept me from making a fool of myself and upsetting my child.

Over the next few days my mind was a whirl with questions. How can I keep my babies safe?! How can I keep them from harm? Should I bring them back home to be schooled? Should I allow them to ride with anyone but me and Andy? Should I put bars on the windows of our home?

After days and days of the questions, only one answer resounded....

I couldn't.

There was nothing I could do to protect them against everything. Nothing.

Honestly, it was the scariest, most humbling realization. It hurt. A lot.

The only thing I could do was make sure they were being fed every spirititual fruit available. Make sure that no matter what happened here on Earth, their hearts and souls and lives were the Lord's.

Now, that task felt more daunting and overwhelming than protecting them frome everything.

I am a disappointment. I am a screw up. I mess up all the time. How could God give these little hearts to me?! WHAT was He thinking? He most not be perfect because that was a HUGE mistake. There was NO way I could prepare these precious hearts for eternity with Jesus. I cannot even seem to keep my own together.
For well over a month, I have been fighting these feelings and many others. I have been fighting the lack of love for myself and others. The mass disappointment I feel for myself. The questions for the Lord. I have been fighting.

I am tired.

I have been praying and searching.

This morning, I went to take a shower and next to the bath tub was my favorite book EVER. I picked up the book and began reading.

How good God is to have sent an angel to place that book right in my sight this morning!

As I read this book, I realized. I am NOT perfect but I am HIS. I will not be able to reach my children without Him. He knew just what He was doing when He gave me those beautiful blessings. Who am I to question?

Reading this book, I have come to see that it's OK if my mission field isn't in Haiti or down town Dayton. God has given me a mission field at my home. God has given me little souls to make His. I am blessed.

As I read on, the idea of IPKWs came to grow.

IPKW = Intentional, Purposeful Kingdom Work

In my home and in the lives of my children, I need to be intentional and purposeful in my pursuit to guide them to the Lord. It's OK if I am just finding my own two faith feet. We can learn together. God will guide me and what better teacher could I ask for?

I have begun to pray about my IPKWs and as the Lord guides, I will work on those Kingdom Works and once God has allowed them to come to full fruit, I will move to the next.

This is going to be hard. It's not going to be fun. Just like finding a church that is a better fit for your family, it might be met with looks of disappointment and tears BUT if you seek the Lord's guidance and yearn to walk with Him, it will be worth every minute. If we give our hearts, our lives and our homes over to the Lord, He WILL deliver.

I pray that my journey will be a light to you and that the Lord's goodness be shown...