He's Got the Whole World in His hands...

Today was tough. Maybe one of the toughest days I've had in a long time. Before getting to the hospital, I got a text from a friend who has been in Cleveland clinc undergoing surgery and procedure after procedure for cancer. She said that she was praying for me and to please text her how the surgery went so that when she woke up in a week she would know. Red flags went up! A week?!

Taryn is being placed into a medically induced coma. The doctors are baffled as to why they aren't able to treat some of the symptoms. All they can think to do is to induce the coma so that her body can rest.

I am so scared and anxious. To explain what kind of girl she is would not be possible. Words cannot express.

So for the next week, I will probably use my blog as a sounding board for my fears and someone to "listen" to as I am anxious to her from her.

I end this entry with an encounter I had today when I was getting being discharged from the hospital...

Today this little old lady walked Andy back to see me in recovery. As they walked up, I noticed that she
was holding Andy with both hands. I know that I am a bit groggy but ... she came over and whispered in my ear that she had been praying for me that morning and that I was in the palm of God's hands. She kissed me and walked away. I have joked about it today but it touched me in ways I cannot explain. Today, I know for sure that God sends angels to comfort those He loves.

As I pray for Taryn, I am sad and scared but I know how amazing she is... I cannot blame God for wanting to go another day without her by His side. So today, I pray for God's will and I pray that I have the strength and grace to accept it. Tonight I pray for the many people who love her. I pray for peace of mind and heart.

I am in love with a Savior who has the hold world - even Taryn and myself- in His hands.

Will you join me in praying for Taryn?

Day 12 - Replacing The Negative Stuff

Negative thoughts invade. I find that when I am alone with my thoughts they push their way in. Washing the dishes and humming a favorite song suddenly turns to the dark thought side.

How could I do that?

What's wrong with me?

I cannot believe I thought that. I am so stupid!

Then comes the comparing myself to others.

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Today I urge you to dream big and rid yourself of all those negative thoughts and self-doubts the Devil is feeding you. While you're at it, take a minute and read an old post that I wrote. It rings just as true now as it did when I wrote it. :)

Day 11 - When Stuff Happens

Stuff happens... Goodness - it happens often.

I feel Satan attacking me. I feel him threatened. He is attacking me from every direction. He knows he's losing the battle with me - so he attacks more and harder.

Death, sickness, uncertainty and spiritual battles have been been one after another this new year.

What happens when we feel stuff continually happening?

An old hymn my grandpa used to sing proclaims...

"My hope is built on nothing less than Jesus blood and righteousness. I dare not trust the sweetest frame but wholly lean on Jesus' name. On Christ the Solid Rock, I stand. All other ground is sinking sand!"

My answer is to give it all to Jesus. The good, the bad and the ugly. Give it ALL to Him.

Will you join me?

Lord Jesus - I give it all to you... My faith and in times, my lack of faith. My fear and my strength. My marriage. My children. My finances. My womb. My health. My possessions. It's Yours. Be glorified.

Day One of our Journey - The Day of Rest

I guess I should begin by making sure that I communicate clearly. This is now my journal. A way to look back and reflect. A way to see blessings and some not so great decisions. A time to learn. This is MY and my family's learning. Therefore, when I write posts, I am writing for my family and my opinions of my life. I would never tell anyone how to live. My hope is that through my writings, you will be stretched and maybe find some new ways of doing things. If you don't, that's fine too. You can just sit back and call me crazy. It's OK, I have already heard it a few times. :)

How fitting it is to start this journey the day before the Lord's day. A day to worship the Creator of all things, relax and reflect. A time to rejoice in praise and rest while rejuvenating our mind, body and soul. It is fitting because it's the foundation, the backbone one might say, of setting up a productive and God-filled week. A week of hard work and staying on track. A day to be thankful for the blessings that abound.

The Sabbath has been abandoned. We fill our schedules and we run, run and run some more. If the Lord of Lords, the God of the Universe, had to take a break after six days of hard work, why would I think that I would not? Am I super woman? Do I have more strength to continue? God did not take the day to rest because He was tired. I really don't know that He gets tired. He's amazing and perfect. I think He took the day to reflect and look back on what he achieved during the days before.

The first step in our journey is to embrace the Sabbath. Go back to how the Lord would like it.

I will be working very hard (and it will take some preparation) to not cook, clean, use the computer or internet and abstain from places in which someone has to work on the Sabbath. Is that extreme? Some might say it is. However, as you can probably tell, I am an extreme person.

I also know that for some, the Sabbath is not Sunday. For that, I totally understand. Find a day during the week that works for you. A day where you can look back at the six days before and know you've done your best work. A day where you can put everything aside but your love for your Father and family. Relish the moments. Enjoy the day. Relax.

Observe the Sabbath day, to keep it holy. Work six days and do everything you need to do. But the seventh day is a Sabbath to God, your God. Don’t do any work—not you, nor your son, nor your daughter, nor your servant, nor your maid, nor your animals, not even the foreign guest visiting in your town. For in six days God made Heaven, Earth, and sea, and everything in them; he rested on the seventh day. Therefore God blessed the Sabbath day; he set it apart as a holy day. 

                  - Exodus 20: 8 - 11 (Message)

What about you? What does the Sabbath look like for your home? 

Despair

Despair - the utter loss of hope; a cause of hopelessness; to lose all hope or confidence -

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Everyone, whether if be spiritual, personal, financial, marital or any other crisis, has felt some sense of despair at least once.

Even the Son of God felt despair.

In the Garden of Gethsemane, Jesus felt despair and anguish. After a wonderful Passover feast, Jesus took a few of his friends to the garden and asked them to pray with him and watch him. There he began praying so intently and fervently that he began sweating blood.  Instead of praying with him, they - Peter, James, and John -  fell asleep. Jesus tried waking them a few times but they would only stir.

I'm sure Jesus  felt so lonely and hopeless. He knew that what would happen next. He knew that he was called, the very next day, to give his life for these friends who could not even wake to spend time in prayer. I'm sure he agonized and despaired over the next few hours and days. He knew his friends would betray him. They would deny him. They would doubt him. At that moment, I'm sure he felt complete and total despair.


Next, Judas walked right up to Jesus and kissed him on the cheek. The soldiers arrested him. The plan to cleanse our sins was in full motion. 


Jesus went before Pilot and watched as those who had welcomed him just earlier called for him to be crucified - to die on a cross. To die next to true criminals. 

He walked up a mountain, carrying a cross with a crown of thorns on his head being whipped continually. 


He was nailed to the cross and as he stood nailed to the cross, He felt abandoned by his Heavenly father. He, I'm sure, felt the ultimate despair and hopelessness. 


In Matthew 27:45-46, it says, "Now from the sixth hour darkness fell upon all the land until the ninth hour. ⁴⁶And about the ninth hour Jesus cried out with a loud voice, saying, "Eli, Eli, lama sabachthani?" that is, "My God, My God, why hast Thou forsaken Me?"

I have felt despair. I have felt hopelessness many times. But I can assure you that I have never felt as agonizing - lonely- despair as I'm sure that Jesus felt in the garden or on the cross. Yet Jesus prevailed and rose just a few days later. Death had no handle on my Lord. My friends, despair has no handle on us. Though we may feel despairing, the sun will rise in the morning. 

The Bible has so many good verses about despair and God's promises. If you are in the darkness of despair please know that light is found in the true Light, Jesus Christ. 

2 Corinthians 4:8-9 - We are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but not driven to despair; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed.

 

Philippians 4:19  -And my God will supply every need of yours according to his riches in glory in Christ Jesus.

 

Revelation 21:4 - He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away. 

 

2 Corinthians 12:9 - But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. 

 

Psalm 91:1-16 - He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will abide in the shadow of the Almighty. I will say to the Lord, “My refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust.” For he will deliver you from the snare of the fowler and from the deadly pestilence. He will cover you with his pinions, and under his wings you will find refuge; his faithfulness is a shield and buckler. You will not fear the terror of the night, nor the arrow that flies by day....

 

Romans 15:13 -May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound in hope. 

 

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My prayer is that you find hope and peace in your time of despair. Hold tight to His love, protection and promises... 

Am I Stubborn or Slow?

While I have been writing about loving yourself and the love of the Lord, I have been skirting around the topic in which the Lord has told me that I am really to write. I'm not sure if I was being stubborn and not listening or if it just didn't click.

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This morning, the Lord didn't ask me if I wanted to write about this topic. He knew I'd say, "Heck NO!". He just told me it was time.

This topic is hard....

This topic brings judgement and controversy....

This topic makes me vulnerable....

This topic is my journey and my story....

I pray this topic brings hope and reassurance of God's love to someone.

I know there is a reason that the Lord has told me to write it NOW. I pray that it reaches someone. I pray that I find the right words. Words that bring glory to Him, not me. Words that show how loving and merciful He is, not how strong I was... Words that will bring healing to my heart and hopefully someone else's. Words...

Please join me as I share my journey back from sexual violence- the blessings I received, the challenges I faced, the pain I still struggle with.... but most of all the grace of a Loving Father.

You might want to check out this post as well...

Fear Will Consume Me No Longer

It's hard to talk about. It's hard to think about. It was a life ago, yet it continually consumes most of my days.

If I talk about it, it seems real. Like it really did happen. Therefore, I stay quiet and just allow others to think what they want. It's easier than feeling and remembering the pain of yesterday. It's easier just to wear the label of slut, promiscuous teenager or whatever else others might label me as they judge me.

The ones close to me know but many people aren't allowed to get close - my own choice. Those who know, only know some. They only know what I allow them to know. It's easier. Feels safer.

I thought it was working...

But now I have come to the realization that it's not working.

It's hurting.

It's tearing me up inside and it's consuming many thoughts and much energy in which there are such greater blessings to invoke my thoughts. It domineers all of my relationships. It hurts my marriage.

Pretending it didn't happen has sabotaged so many potential friendships due to lack of trust and fear of letting someone see my tarnish. That night, when I came home and scrubbed my skin until it bled, I never really rid myself of the disgusting feeling I felt. I still carry it with me... I cannot pretend that it worked.

But... It really happened. It was hard. I was horrible. However, it made me who I am today. I am a lover and follower of Christ. I am a beloved wife and mother. I am a woman who survived.

However, I am not completely blameless in the lack of judgement and choices in which I made. It's not my fault.

I am a victim. I did not "ask for it" as I was told and I did not "bring it upon myself because I took care of myself". None of that is true. I am a victim.

Out of my greatest anguish, fear and heartache came my greatest light - a renewed relationship with my savior and a beautiful son - a reminder of God's promises. Even if you are in your darkest  hour - a dark alley with no hope in sight - the Lord is with you and if you love Him and turn to Him and His promises, He will never leave you nor forsake you. A reminder that from the dark, there is still Light.

This was my getting it out post. My vent. My searching for a way to get this out so I can claim a good night's sleep again. One without nightmares. One without fearing what tomorrow will bring. This was my silent voice - a voice of typed words on a computer screen. And while I spoke that silent voice, I must be honest and say that my vocal voice is not ready to quit pretending. I am not yet ready to stand face to face and discuss this. I'm just not there yet. I am hoping one day I might be but I cannot promise that either. It is my hope and my prayer that the Lord will one day use me and help other silent women who have endured sexual violence. 

 "He heals the brokenhearted And binds up their wounds."

 Psalm 147:3

The Beginning of a Spiritual Battle

The beginning of my spiritual battle. I feel spiritual warfare waging in my heart and my mind but I have vowed to conquer it; to reach for and grasp the Light.

I began reading The Prayer That Changes Everything by Stormie O'Martian. Now to be honest, in two days, I made it through the introduction. It seems to be one of those books that you have to take in bites and then take a moment to digest.

Stormie begans by explaining her reasoning for her books and then she moves into her personal life. While all of that was intriguing to me, the part that hit me the most was her recent story.

Stormie then enters into writing about a recent time in her life in which she felt lost. She felt abandoned. She felt all the feelings I have been feeling.

She was speaking to me.

She was speaking to me because it was revealed to me that I am normal. Spiritual warfare is a normal part of many Christian's walks.

There were times when Jesus, the King of Kings and Lord of Lords, was tempted. Someone who was PERFECT fought off evil spirits and the devil.

Then Jesus was led by the Spirit into the wilderness to be tempted by the devil. After fasting forty days and forty nights, he was hungry.The tempter came to him and said, “If you are the Son of God, tell these stones to become bread.” 

Jesus answered, “It is written: ‘Man shall not live on bread alone, but on every word that comes from the mouth of God.’”

Then the devil took him to the holy city and had him stand on the highest point of the temple. “If you are the Son of God,” he said, “throw yourself down. For it is written:


‘He will command his angels concerning you, and they will lift you up in their hands, so that you will not strike your foot against a stone.”


Jesus answered him, “It is also written: ‘Do not put the Lord your God to the test.”


Again, the devil took him to a very high mountain and showed him all the kingdoms of the world and their splendor. “All this I will give you,” he said, “if you will bow down and worship me.”


Jesus said to him, “Away from me, Satan! For it is written: ‘Worship the Lord your God, and serve him only.”


Then the devil left him, and angels came and attended him.
- Matthew 4:1-11

If Jesus went through this, why should I expect to be exempt? The devil is smart. He is cunning. He knows when I am at my weakest and he knows when to pounce. The stronger my faith became, the more I became whole in my relationship with Jesus, the more I felt unworthy. The more the devil edged his way into my mind and my heart.

I have been feeling so guilty because there are no outward storms in my life. I am blessed. I should quit whining but I have been doing an injustice to what is really going on inside of me. I might not be enduring a storm in life, but I am enduring a storm in my faith. A spiritual battle. Spirital warfare. This is the fight of my life. The fight of my first love, Jesus. I am not going to give in easily. I am going to fight. Please join me as I continue to journey. I look forward to sharing this with you.

Searching, Starving, Stagnant, and Scared...

Where have you been, Jodi?

Where has your emotional health and mind been, Jodi?

What is one of your greatest talents, Jodi?

I am so glad y'all asked. I've been formulating this post for a while. Rolling ideas, thoughts and worries in my mind. What will y'all think of me? Will you boo me out of the blogging county? Will you leave dirty comments and make me feel little and insignficant? Just what should I share? How honest should I be?

I am still dealing with all of these thoughts in my mind even as I type... I am worried of being judged and hurt. I am worried that if I reveal that I am one messed up human, you won't want to visit anymore.

Where have I been? In my home, taking care of my husband and kids, talking to my friends and pretending everything is honky dorrie in my faith, life and mind. Honestly, nothing can be further from the truth. I am the queen of allowing people to see what I want them to see and what I think they want to see.

First and foremost, my faith... What faith? I am grasping for any straw I can possibly grab and if I achieve in grabbing one, they slip out of my hand and fall to the floor. Who is my God? A superior authority who can and will choose to squish you at any time. Is that the right attitude? No way! And the worst part is I know in my head that I want to gain a full understanding of the loving Father so many people in my life know. But there comes in, how do I get there? How do I achieve that full understanding? How can I praise Him for who He is in the bad times, when I cannot seem to find Him or grab on in the good? I feel like I am starving for His presence yet have NO idea where to begin to look. The Bible no longer seeems like a wealth of knowledge but a continual reminder that I am unworthy. I am so stagnant, I even want to spit me out. Where do I begin? How do I find my way? How can I find Him?

My marriage... I am only going to say this once... Poor Andy. It seems when I am pregnant, the feelings and thoughts and happening of my pregnancy with Dylan come to a head. It is almost like I am waiting to go into the Dr.'s office and meet a lady that was too impregnanted by my husband. Andy has and would NEVER do anything but it HAS happened to me before. I have dreams where Andy abandons me, saying I am not worthy. That I deserve all that comes to me. I am NOTHING but a whore and a loser. Now I know that all of those things are not true and Andy would never say any of them or even think them, but I can feel them in the back of my mind. I can feel them in my attitude every time I reply to him. I feel the tension I feel when he comes home. I hate it. I don't know how to change it. I don't know how to just love myself and the parts of the past that made me who I am.

These are just a couple of the biggies going on. I am searching, starving, stagnant and scared. I am trying. I am praying. I am reading. I am hoping.

I started a book today by Stormie O'Martin. So far, I totally identify and have felt a connect with her and this book. I think I am going to try to do a chapter every few days to make myself really connect and learn from this book. Today, I barely made it through the intro without crying so I am not making any promises but I will say that I will try my best. I will read, learn and then come and open my heart to many strangers who have somehow become the only few that I can open up to. I appreciate you. I really do. I am sorry it took this long to come out of the dark "closet" I was living in.

I don't know how but I will get past this. I will embrace God's love and I will find out what it truly is. This and this only is the most important step in my journey. There is NO use in healthy eating or frugal living when there are such more important things to grow in.

Gratituesday: A Quiet Weekend

Do I have any snappy pictures to show of this weekend?

 Nope.

Do I have any exciting stories of what happened this weekend?

Nope.

Do you know what I DO have?

I have a grateful heart. That's what I DO have.

This weekend was just what I needed. Nothing exciting happened. The phone didn't ring all that much. There was no one demanding our attention. Everyone knew we were busy and that we wanted to spend time together as a family. Our families honored our request.

We got a few things done (the biggest thing was the baby's nursery!). We played games. Rested and relaxed. It was great. It was marvelous. It was just what we needed.

I feel so refreshed and so blessed. I am so thankful!

Join us for Gratituesday at Heavenly Homemakers!

Simple Living: It's Just Easier to be Truthful and Transparent

A few weeks ago, I introduced a new series on Living Simple. Last week, I wrote about how my ideal simple life would look.  This week I was going to talk about what the dictionary says "simple" means and the negative connotation that some put with the word.

However, I have promised this blog to be full of transparency and real life.

If you have not noticed, I will make you aware of the fact that I promised to begin a writing schedule and would do my best to follow through with it unless real life happened and yet I have NOT been on here the past two days.

Well my friends... Real life happened and real life is kicking my tail end.

Today I want to write about how having an open, honest and transparent attitude and life can make things a little more simple. There is NO pretending, no comparing and usually no hurt feelings.

I can tell you honestly that this is one of the situations going on in my life. I was the one that was left out with hurt feelings, an aching heart and feeling left out and unwanted. I wish I can describe that heart felt pain I have in areas that I never knew could hurt but it is slow in healing.

I wish friends I could  assure you that this is all of what is going on, the worst, the extent, but dear friends, it's only the beginning...

We have been thrust into a life that can only be described as an HBO movie. There has been drugs, violence, sex and pain (not on our end). We have tried and tried to get those the Lord has brought to us out of it and it has caused hurt and pain. We are still searching for God's calling and direction but we are terribly confused.

Think that is a lot (maybe not by some of your standards but we live a relatively quiet life)? Well guess what!! The best is yet to come...

A few weeks ago, Dylan was complaining that his finger was really "squallen" (swollen). With all the rough-housing and craziness that goes along with a house full of boys, I thought nothing of it. After a couple of weeks, I had decided to call the Dr. but had never gotten around to it.

Tuesday morning, he came down and was complaining that it felt funny. We didn't have anything to do that day so I thought I'd run up the street to the pediatrician and have the splinter lanced and then he'd have the afternoon to re coop.

Getting to the Dr., it was quickly announced that it wasn't just a splinter that had gotten infected but that we needed to head to Children's Hospital for an x-ray and ultrasound. I was in disbelief. IT WAS JUST A SPLINTER!

After a long day of problems, testing and worried anticipation... The diagnosis was a desmoid tumor. A rare, rare, rare, rare (like 9 out of a million) tumor. It is still hard to read, to type, to believe.

 Do I believe and even KNOW that God is going to deliver us? ABSO-STINKIN-LUTELY! But as a mother that cries when her babies have runny noses (and who is 25 weeks pregnant! Hormones make you so irrational sometimes!), this is almost too much to bear...

The surgeon called this morning and we are going in for a consult in a couple of weeks. It is looking like surgery is the going to be the course of action.

On behalf of our family, Andy and I truly covet and beg of your prayers!

And for the love of a simple of life, be honest and open about what's going on in your lives! :)