Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Searching, Starving, Stagnant, and Scared...

Where have you been, Jodi?

Where has your emotional health and mind been, Jodi?

What is one of your greatest talents, Jodi?

I am so glad y'all asked. I've been formulating this post for a while. Rolling ideas, thoughts and worries in my mind. What will y'all think of me? Will you boo me out of the blogging county? Will you leave dirty comments and make me feel little and insignficant? Just what should I share? How honest should I be?

I am still dealing with all of these thoughts in my mind even as I type... I am worried of being judged and hurt. I am worried that if I reveal that I am one messed up human, you won't want to visit anymore.

Where have I been? In my home, taking care of my husband and kids, talking to my friends and pretending everything is honky dorrie in my faith, life and mind. Honestly, nothing can be further from the truth. I am the queen of allowing people to see what I want them to see and what I think they want to see.

First and foremost, my faith... What faith? I am grasping for any straw I can possibly grab and if I achieve in grabbing one, they slip out of my hand and fall to the floor. Who is my God? A superior authority who can and will choose to squish you at any time. Is that the right attitude? No way! And the worst part is I know in my head that I want to gain a full understanding of the loving Father so many people in my life know. But there comes in, how do I get there? How do I achieve that full understanding? How can I praise Him for who He is in the bad times, when I cannot seem to find Him or grab on in the good? I feel like I am starving for His presence yet have NO idea where to begin to look. The Bible no longer seeems like a wealth of knowledge but a continual reminder that I am unworthy. I am so stagnant, I even want to spit me out. Where do I begin? How do I find my way? How can I find Him?

My marriage... I am only going to say this once... Poor Andy. It seems when I am pregnant, the feelings and thoughts and happening of my pregnancy with Dylan come to a head. It is almost like I am waiting to go into the Dr.'s office and meet a lady that was too impregnanted by my husband. Andy has and would NEVER do anything but it HAS happened to me before. I have dreams where Andy abandons me, saying I am not worthy. That I deserve all that comes to me. I am NOTHING but a whore and a loser. Now I know that all of those things are not true and Andy would never say any of them or even think them, but I can feel them in the back of my mind. I can feel them in my attitude every time I reply to him. I feel the tension I feel when he comes home. I hate it. I don't know how to change it. I don't know how to just love myself and the parts of the past that made me who I am.

These are just a couple of the biggies going on. I am searching, starving, stagnant and scared. I am trying. I am praying. I am reading. I am hoping.

I started a book today by Stormie O'Martin. So far, I totally identify and have felt a connect with her and this book. I think I am going to try to do a chapter every few days to make myself really connect and learn from this book. Today, I barely made it through the intro without crying so I am not making any promises but I will say that I will try my best. I will read, learn and then come and open my heart to many strangers who have somehow become the only few that I can open up to. I appreciate you. I really do. I am sorry it took this long to come out of the dark "closet" I was living in.

I don't know how but I will get past this. I will embrace God's love and I will find out what it truly is. This and this only is the most important step in my journey. There is NO use in healthy eating or frugal living when there are such more important things to grow in.

1 comment:

Jhona O. said...

I don't know about anyone else, but BECAUSE of your honesty, I only want to visit you more. I love that you are laying it all out there. I struggle with being a hundred percent real on my blog. In fact, I am having a huge crisis in my spiritual life, but no one in blogland knows about it yet. I just haven't had the energy to put it all out there. You inspire me. I'm going to send you a private message when I get a moment of sanity. You're doing great! Back to the basics:) Lots of love!!