He's Got the Whole World in His hands...

Today was tough. Maybe one of the toughest days I've had in a long time. Before getting to the hospital, I got a text from a friend who has been in Cleveland clinc undergoing surgery and procedure after procedure for cancer. She said that she was praying for me and to please text her how the surgery went so that when she woke up in a week she would know. Red flags went up! A week?!

Taryn is being placed into a medically induced coma. The doctors are baffled as to why they aren't able to treat some of the symptoms. All they can think to do is to induce the coma so that her body can rest.

I am so scared and anxious. To explain what kind of girl she is would not be possible. Words cannot express.

So for the next week, I will probably use my blog as a sounding board for my fears and someone to "listen" to as I am anxious to her from her.

I end this entry with an encounter I had today when I was getting being discharged from the hospital...

Today this little old lady walked Andy back to see me in recovery. As they walked up, I noticed that she
was holding Andy with both hands. I know that I am a bit groggy but ... she came over and whispered in my ear that she had been praying for me that morning and that I was in the palm of God's hands. She kissed me and walked away. I have joked about it today but it touched me in ways I cannot explain. Today, I know for sure that God sends angels to comfort those He loves.

As I pray for Taryn, I am sad and scared but I know how amazing she is... I cannot blame God for wanting to go another day without her by His side. So today, I pray for God's will and I pray that I have the strength and grace to accept it. Tonight I pray for the many people who love her. I pray for peace of mind and heart.

I am in love with a Savior who has the hold world - even Taryn and myself- in His hands.

Will you join me in praying for Taryn?

Despair

Despair - the utter loss of hope; a cause of hopelessness; to lose all hope or confidence -

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Everyone, whether if be spiritual, personal, financial, marital or any other crisis, has felt some sense of despair at least once.

Even the Son of God felt despair.

In the Garden of Gethsemane, Jesus felt despair and anguish. After a wonderful Passover feast, Jesus took a few of his friends to the garden and asked them to pray with him and watch him. There he began praying so intently and fervently that he began sweating blood.  Instead of praying with him, they - Peter, James, and John -  fell asleep. Jesus tried waking them a few times but they would only stir.

I'm sure Jesus  felt so lonely and hopeless. He knew that what would happen next. He knew that he was called, the very next day, to give his life for these friends who could not even wake to spend time in prayer. I'm sure he agonized and despaired over the next few hours and days. He knew his friends would betray him. They would deny him. They would doubt him. At that moment, I'm sure he felt complete and total despair.


Next, Judas walked right up to Jesus and kissed him on the cheek. The soldiers arrested him. The plan to cleanse our sins was in full motion. 


Jesus went before Pilot and watched as those who had welcomed him just earlier called for him to be crucified - to die on a cross. To die next to true criminals. 

He walked up a mountain, carrying a cross with a crown of thorns on his head being whipped continually. 


He was nailed to the cross and as he stood nailed to the cross, He felt abandoned by his Heavenly father. He, I'm sure, felt the ultimate despair and hopelessness. 


In Matthew 27:45-46, it says, "Now from the sixth hour darkness fell upon all the land until the ninth hour. ⁴⁶And about the ninth hour Jesus cried out with a loud voice, saying, "Eli, Eli, lama sabachthani?" that is, "My God, My God, why hast Thou forsaken Me?"

I have felt despair. I have felt hopelessness many times. But I can assure you that I have never felt as agonizing - lonely- despair as I'm sure that Jesus felt in the garden or on the cross. Yet Jesus prevailed and rose just a few days later. Death had no handle on my Lord. My friends, despair has no handle on us. Though we may feel despairing, the sun will rise in the morning. 

The Bible has so many good verses about despair and God's promises. If you are in the darkness of despair please know that light is found in the true Light, Jesus Christ. 

2 Corinthians 4:8-9 - We are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but not driven to despair; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed.

 

Philippians 4:19  -And my God will supply every need of yours according to his riches in glory in Christ Jesus.

 

Revelation 21:4 - He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away. 

 

2 Corinthians 12:9 - But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. 

 

Psalm 91:1-16 - He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will abide in the shadow of the Almighty. I will say to the Lord, “My refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust.” For he will deliver you from the snare of the fowler and from the deadly pestilence. He will cover you with his pinions, and under his wings you will find refuge; his faithfulness is a shield and buckler. You will not fear the terror of the night, nor the arrow that flies by day....

 

Romans 15:13 -May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound in hope. 

 

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My prayer is that you find hope and peace in your time of despair. Hold tight to His love, protection and promises... 

My Voice

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"If you say a thing, I will kill you and your family...."

I remember those words like yesterday. I remember the look in his eyes. The raspy sound of his voice. The warning and edge that came out with those words.

I was terrified. I said nothing.

"Sexual assault is one of the most under reported crimes, with 60% still being left unreported."  Source 

Even now, talking about it is extremely scary. It's an irrational fear but still a fear. I fear what people will think of me. I fear what people will say. I fear that some won't believe me. I fear...

Seven years and I just now have turned my heart and fears to the Lord in order to use this as my witness.

I have often said that I don't talk about it because I don't think it should matter. Rape or premarital sex, the Lord has died for my sins. I don't have to answer to anyone. I have been on my knees before the Lord.

However, as I am trying to become translucent, I am able to say that it was indeed a "cop out". The plain and simple truth is fear. Even times when I confide in my friends or husband, I still hear... "Say a word and I'll kill them" or "You deserve this. You were asking for it."

When being honest with myself, I see now that he was trying to steal my voice. My voice in which to bring hope and witness to others who are journeying through this time. Others who need to know there is light on the other side. Others who need love and reassurance. Reassurance that He, the Creator who was in me in the dark alley - hearing my cries, screams and prayers and feeling those emotions with me, is right there... He is longing to hold you.

That dark night in the alley and many months  - even years after-  my voice was taken. My voice to stand and I say with the help of the Lord, I am a survivor. I am a testament to His amazing grace and love. A voice to share His overwhelming love and protection to others. A voice to bring hope and peace. A voice...

It will be a hard road but with the help of the Lord and prayers from others, my silence will be replaced with a voice.

"When the righteous cry for help, the Lord hears and delivers them out of all their troubles. The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit. Many are the afflictions of the righteous, but the Lord delivers him out of them all. He keeps all his bones; not one of them is broken."

 - Psalm 34:17-20


Please don't allow sexual violence to steal your voice. Tell someone, anyone. Please seek the help you deserve. Please email me or a friend or someone to being a sounding board. Please find your voice...

Check out Fear Will Consume Me No Longer!
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This weekend was a HUGE step for me. I was in my best friends wedding in San Antonio. I have talked about it and many of you know that I am extremely fearful of men being near me that I don't know. I usually hyper ventilate and totally freak out. When I would think about walking down the isle with a guy that I didn't know, I would feel overwhelmed and start crying. Saturday was the practice run and I did alright with a lot of prayer but I was extremely nervous Sunday. I think the thought of others watching me, being in heels and walking with my arm linked to this stranger was more than I could handle. The whole ceremony, I stared at my husband and silently prayed for the Lord's power to take over my fears and get me back to the room without fainting or flipping out. I made it! Small steps, I tell you! :)

Am I Stubborn or Slow?

While I have been writing about loving yourself and the love of the Lord, I have been skirting around the topic in which the Lord has told me that I am really to write. I'm not sure if I was being stubborn and not listening or if it just didn't click.

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This morning, the Lord didn't ask me if I wanted to write about this topic. He knew I'd say, "Heck NO!". He just told me it was time.

This topic is hard....

This topic brings judgement and controversy....

This topic makes me vulnerable....

This topic is my journey and my story....

I pray this topic brings hope and reassurance of God's love to someone.

I know there is a reason that the Lord has told me to write it NOW. I pray that it reaches someone. I pray that I find the right words. Words that bring glory to Him, not me. Words that show how loving and merciful He is, not how strong I was... Words that will bring healing to my heart and hopefully someone else's. Words...

Please join me as I share my journey back from sexual violence- the blessings I received, the challenges I faced, the pain I still struggle with.... but most of all the grace of a Loving Father.

You might want to check out this post as well...