Tuesday, November 8, 2011

My Voice

"If you say a thing, I will kill you and your family...."

I remember those words like yesterday. I remember the look in his eyes. The raspy sound of his voice. The warning and edge that came out with those words.

I was terrified. I said nothing.

"Sexual assault is one of the most under reported crimes, with 60% still being left unreported."  Source 

Even now, talking about it is extremely scary. It's an irrational fear but still a fear. I fear what people will think of me. I fear what people will say. I fear that some won't believe me. I fear...

Seven years and I just now have turned my heart and fears to the Lord in order to use this as my witness.

I have often said that I don't talk about it because I don't think it should matter. Rape or premarital sex, the Lord has died for my sins. I don't have to answer to anyone. I have been on my knees before the Lord.

However, as I am trying to become translucent, I am able to say that it was indeed a "cop out". The plain and simple truth is fear. Even times when I confide in my friends or husband, I still hear... "Say a word and I'll kill them" or "You deserve this. You were asking for it."

When being honest with myself, I see now that he was trying to steal my voice. My voice in which to bring hope and witness to others who are journeying through this time. Others who need to know there is light on the other side. Others who need love and reassurance. Reassurance that He, the Creator who was in me in the dark alley - hearing my cries, screams and prayers and feeling those emotions with me, is right there... He is longing to hold you.

That dark night in the alley and many months  - even years after-  my voice was taken. My voice to stand and I say with the help of the Lord, I am a survivor. I am a testament to His amazing grace and love. A voice to share His overwhelming love and protection to others. A voice to bring hope and peace. A voice...

It will be a hard road but with the help of the Lord and prayers from others, my silence will be replaced with a voice.

"When the righteous cry for help, the Lord hears and delivers them out of all their troubles. The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit. Many are the afflictions of the righteous, but the Lord delivers him out of them all. He keeps all his bones; not one of them is broken."

 - Psalm 34:17-20

Please don't allow sexual violence to steal your voice. Tell someone, anyone. Please seek the help you deserve. Please email me or a friend or someone to being a sounding board. Please find your voice...

Check out Fear Will Consume Me No Longer!
This weekend was a HUGE step for me. I was in my best friends wedding in San Antonio. I have talked about it and many of you know that I am extremely fearful of men being near me that I don't know. I usually hyper ventilate and totally freak out. When I would think about walking down the isle with a guy that I didn't know, I would feel overwhelmed and start crying. Saturday was the practice run and I did alright with a lot of prayer but I was extremely nervous Sunday. I think the thought of others watching me, being in heels and walking with my arm linked to this stranger was more than I could handle. The whole ceremony, I stared at my husband and silently prayed for the Lord's power to take over my fears and get me back to the room without fainting or flipping out. I made it! Small steps, I tell you! :)


Megan said...

So proud of you Jodi! Your beautiful and courageous and one the strongest people I know! Remember all that Always! (((hugs!)))

Courtney said...

As you well know, I'm so proud of you. You're an amazing woman. I pray that healing will continue to come and the sting of opening old wounds will be quickly replaced by enormous peace as His grace washes over you. I love you lady.