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Sunday, June 5, 2011

Fear Will Consume Me No Longer

It's hard to talk about. It's hard to think about. It was a life ago, yet it continually consumes most of my days.

If I talk about it, it seems real. Like it really did happen. Therefore, I stay quiet and just allow others to think what they want. It's easier than feeling and remembering the pain of yesterday. It's easier just to wear the label of slut, promiscuous teenager or whatever else others might label me as they judge me.

The ones close to me know but many people aren't allowed to get close - my own choice. Those who know, only know some. They only know what I allow them to know. It's easier. Feels safer.

I thought it was working...

But now I have come to the realization that it's not working.

It's hurting.

It's tearing me up inside and it's consuming many thoughts and much energy in which there are such greater blessings to invoke my thoughts. It domineers all of my relationships. It hurts my marriage.

Pretending it didn't happen has sabotaged so many potential friendships due to lack of trust and fear of letting someone see my tarnish. That night, when I came home and scrubbed my skin until it bled, I never really rid myself of the disgusting feeling I felt. I still carry it with me... I cannot pretend that it worked.

But... It really happened. It was hard. I was horrible. However, it made me who I am today. I am a lover and follower of Christ. I am a beloved wife and mother. I am a woman who survived.

However, I am not completely blameless in the lack of judgement and choices in which I made. It's not my fault.

I am a victim. I did not "ask for it" as I was told and I did not "bring it upon myself because I took care of myself". None of that is true. I am a victim.

Out of my greatest anguish, fear and heartache came my greatest light - a renewed relationship with my savior and a beautiful son - a reminder of God's promises. Even if you are in your darkest  hour - a dark alley with no hope in sight - the Lord is with you and if you love Him and turn to Him and His promises, He will never leave you nor forsake you. A reminder that from the dark, there is still Light.

This was my getting it out post. My vent. My searching for a way to get this out so I can claim a good night's sleep again. One without nightmares. One without fearing what tomorrow will bring. This was my silent voice - a voice of typed words on a computer screen. And while I spoke that silent voice, I must be honest and say that my vocal voice is not ready to quit pretending. I am not yet ready to stand face to face and discuss this. I'm just not there yet. I am hoping one day I might be but I cannot promise that either. It is my hope and my prayer that the Lord will one day use me and help other silent women who have endured sexual violence. 

 "He heals the brokenhearted And binds up their wounds."
 Psalm 147:3

5 comments:

Anonymous said...

(((HUGS))) <3

Jhona O. said...

You are so brave and so loved. I am so glad that, no matter which voice you chose to use, you're getting it out. Praying for continued peace of mind, heart and soul. You are an example of Love's light and you're letting it shine!

Courtney said...

I love you, girlie, and I'm proud of you. I know how hard it is to be out with it. {{{{hugs}}}}

Misty said...

I am so very proud of you and I love you so dearly. You are amazing to me in so many ways and I treasure our friendship. Our scars are not the same - yet, as you said - they make us who we are. I am so glad that you are YOU because YOU are so important to me. You have blessed me beyond words with your support and encouragement and you have prayed for me and talked me down from some really high ledges while I was acting in/feeling anger. Praying that when I grow up, I can be as brave as you are. :) <3 I love you!

Jennifer said...

Praying for you my dear. ((hugs))
Your Beloved Father loves you and is there every moment. Praying for Peace and His strength to fill you.