Comparison

First I'd like to once again say how much I have dearly missed all of my cyber friends. I keep coming to times in my life where writing must take a back seat to other priorities. I hope you all understand! Please leave a comment letting me know how you've been and what new happenings have, well... been happening! :)


Today I want to discuss a topic in which I have been struggling and I know other mamas, for that matter, women struggle with on a daily basis. Now if this does not pertain to you and you have this topic mastered, please comment and let me know how to arrive as well! :)


It's an ugly word.... To me, it's one of the worst words around. Satan uses it in a mighty way and often times prevails...


Comparison....

How many times a day do we compare ourselves to other women? How often do we look around and feel inadequate? 


My house is a mess! How does she have everything so clean and right in it's place?!


How does she have time to make such creative and loving dinners? I barely have time for Hamburger Helper!


She is so skinny and put together! I could be a before picture of a Jenny Craig ad!


Goodness, here she goes again with yet another talent! I haven't even mastered one!!


And then, there come the even more dangerous comparisons...


Her children are so perfect! Good grades. Good at sports! Well liked! Oh my and so well behaved! I need to get home and whip mine into shape!


Her husband is so good looking and pays so much attention to her! Wish mine could be on a I Can't Believe It's Not Butter commercial as well! 


There are so many comparisons out there and we waste so much energy comparing! 


Do you know that when compare ourselves to others and try to be like others, we are actually robbing the Lord of one of his servants? 


We are all made in His image...

"So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them." - Genesis 1:27 

God did not make us in the image of Karen the good cook down the street. He made us in His image. An image that is perfect. Perfect for God's plan....

"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." - Jeremiah 29:11

The body of Christ is made of many different parts with different functions and purposes. When we try to imitate another, we are not maintaining our function and instead imitating another's and our function is then missed out on.

Take our bodies for example... What if our nose decided it wanting to be an ear instead of a nose? We'll call nose, Ned... Well Ned the Nose didn't quite think he was good at being a nose. He's been looking over at Ernie the Ear for a bit and thought, "Wow! Ernie is so good at being an ear! I want to be like Ernie the Ear instead of like me, Ned the Nasty No good Nose!" 

We'd now have three ears and not one nose! The body would not work in the fluidity that God had programmed it and made it to be work in. Much like the body of Christ and His plan for the world would not be working as it should if we decide our function isn't good enough and try to be like someone else.

"Just as each of us has one body with many members, and these members do not all have the same function, so in Christ we who are many form one body, and each member belongs to all the others." - Romans 12:4 -5

"All these are the work of one and the same Spirit, and he gives them to each one, just as he determines. The body is a unit, though it is made up of many parts; and though all its parts are many, they form one body. So it is with Christ." - I Corinthians 12:11-12

My challenge for you over the weekend is to find yourself. Make a list of things that you like about yourself and things you'd like to improve on. Monday I'll be back with my list and how I am trying to love myself instead of trying to make me into Karen the Good Cook down the court! :)

Fear Will Consume Me No Longer

It's hard to talk about. It's hard to think about. It was a life ago, yet it continually consumes most of my days.

If I talk about it, it seems real. Like it really did happen. Therefore, I stay quiet and just allow others to think what they want. It's easier than feeling and remembering the pain of yesterday. It's easier just to wear the label of slut, promiscuous teenager or whatever else others might label me as they judge me.

The ones close to me know but many people aren't allowed to get close - my own choice. Those who know, only know some. They only know what I allow them to know. It's easier. Feels safer.

I thought it was working...

But now I have come to the realization that it's not working.

It's hurting.

It's tearing me up inside and it's consuming many thoughts and much energy in which there are such greater blessings to invoke my thoughts. It domineers all of my relationships. It hurts my marriage.

Pretending it didn't happen has sabotaged so many potential friendships due to lack of trust and fear of letting someone see my tarnish. That night, when I came home and scrubbed my skin until it bled, I never really rid myself of the disgusting feeling I felt. I still carry it with me... I cannot pretend that it worked.

But... It really happened. It was hard. I was horrible. However, it made me who I am today. I am a lover and follower of Christ. I am a beloved wife and mother. I am a woman who survived.

However, I am not completely blameless in the lack of judgement and choices in which I made. It's not my fault.

I am a victim. I did not "ask for it" as I was told and I did not "bring it upon myself because I took care of myself". None of that is true. I am a victim.

Out of my greatest anguish, fear and heartache came my greatest light - a renewed relationship with my savior and a beautiful son - a reminder of God's promises. Even if you are in your darkest  hour - a dark alley with no hope in sight - the Lord is with you and if you love Him and turn to Him and His promises, He will never leave you nor forsake you. A reminder that from the dark, there is still Light.

This was my getting it out post. My vent. My searching for a way to get this out so I can claim a good night's sleep again. One without nightmares. One without fearing what tomorrow will bring. This was my silent voice - a voice of typed words on a computer screen. And while I spoke that silent voice, I must be honest and say that my vocal voice is not ready to quit pretending. I am not yet ready to stand face to face and discuss this. I'm just not there yet. I am hoping one day I might be but I cannot promise that either. It is my hope and my prayer that the Lord will one day use me and help other silent women who have endured sexual violence. 

 "He heals the brokenhearted And binds up their wounds."

 Psalm 147:3

GratiTuesday - Miracles

For more GratiTuesday, click here!

Remember his marvellous works that he hath done, his wonders, and the judgments of his mouth..

 1 Chronicles 16:12

Do y'all know that we serve a Lord that is still in the miracle business?

What? Y'all need a good example?!? I am so glad you asked!!

As y'all know, my little bun in the oven is a little over half-baked. Well about 11 weeks ago, it was one of those mornings- you know the one where if y'all can just get down the stairs and stuff breakfast in the kids mouth, the morning might be okay? Well it was one of those mornings...

I had just walked out of my bedroom and Lincoln was screaming, wanting carried down the stairs. Dylan was already downstairs. I scooped up Lincoln, all the while hearing a voice in my head say.. "Don't do it!".

I was down to the second step and felt it... there was some kind of rolly (like my BIG words) toy (car, tractor, etc.) under my foot. That's when I felt myself fly backward.

For those of you that have not seen my home... I am going to attempt to "draw" how my stairs are...

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Okay... So that's not really a good "drawing" but I hope you get the idea... Our stairs go down (about 7 stairs) one way and down the opposite way (about 7 stairs). I slipped on the top 2nd down step. (I really hope that makes sense!)

After falling down the top flight of stairs, I felt myself hit the wall with so much force that it flipped me down the next flight. At that point, I realized I had dropped Lincoln. I freaked out! I started twisting and turning and screaming down the final set. That was NOT a good thing!

I found myself at the bottom of the stairs, unable to move. I couldn't find Lincoln, but Dylan was quickly at my side. I ordered Dylan to bring me the phone and find Lincoln. He did both without a word of backtalk (that my friends is a miracle right there!). I quickly called Andy, who works 40 minutes away and Dylan came to tell me that Lincoln was okay.

As I got off the phone with Andy, I realized that I was sitting in a puddle of fluid. Talk about freaking out!

I quickly dialed my doctor who informed me that the worst might possibly have just  happened. (Now for some of you IRL friends. I know you don't like my doctor, I just had to add that info... ) She informed to that I was to come straight to her office and not go to the hospital. In the meantime, Andy had called my father-in-law and he had shown up, found Lincoln was fine and was looking at me as if saying, no pleading.. "please, please don't ask me to come near you... ". It's actually quite funny now but at the time, it was horrible.

When the call with the doctor ended, I have NEVER heard such a sound as came from my heart. It was a sound of anger, sadness, heart-breaking urging and yearning with God. It scared me. I didn't know where it came from...

Andy finally came in and loaded me in the car. As we drove to the doctor, I can't even begin to tell you the bargains I began making with God. Praying that he would spare the little life inside of me. BEGGING!

After checking and an ultrasound, it was deemed a miracle by me. My doctor, not so much. She had some crazy scientific "maybe" explanation.

Now... Did I pee myself? Did I break something? It's all speculation. Right now the doctor is saying that I had an extra sac of water that ruptured...

Want to know how I feel? The Lord was with me. He saved my life, Lincoln's life and my unborn son's life.

TO GOD BE THE GLORY! I don't need science to explain because I know my Heavenly Father is still today, this very day in the miracle business...

A Struggle..

I have a battle with this phase in my life and my blog waging in my mind. My blog is a blog that is to provide encouragement and love to those who are dealing with PCOS.

I know when we were trying to get pregnant this time, every time I read a blog in which the writer became pregnant, I would get mad and stop reading it. "Why is this happening for them and not me?"

I do not want this to be the case with my blog. I want you to know that I have and am still  fighting the battle PCOS and I understand. I don't know whether to just say that I am not going to write about my pregnancy or risk upsetting people that I have grown to care about. Any ideas? Any suggestions? Any pointers?

I would love to write about the steps I took towards conceiving but is that just rubbing salt in the wounds you are carrying? Once again, please let me know...

With the end of this little blubber of words, I will go against all my feelings and show you a picture of the "baby". Keep in mind that the ultrasound picture was taken about five weeks ago. So I am a little further along but man oh man am I big!

Jesus looked at them and said, "With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible."

Matthew 19:26

Random Thoughts About Infertility/Miscarriage/Wanting a Large Family

Where have I been you might ask... Well go ahead and ask!

I have been in a horrible, terrible, no-good, very bad attitude of late. I have been hiding. I barely want to be around myself so therefore, I conclude that others probably don't want to listen to me either. But who knows, maybe there is someone who loves a negative, irritated friend? If that's you, please forgive my absence! :)

Anyway, just a quick disclaimer. If you are looking for a light-hearted, go-lucky post, this is not the one today. Stop reading and come back with the RSS feeder indicates I have written a new post..

As many of you know, I recently had my 7th miscarriage. Now please don't start the "oh my, how terrible thoughts." I know this sounds cold, but I am getting used to it. Doesn't that sound cold and horrible?

Well here are some of my random thoughts about it:

• I know that God can do amazing things.. Just take a look at two of my best friends, Courtney and Misty. It has been incredible to see the Lord work and now they are both pregnant. Just looking at them I should know He can make it happen.
• I was talking to my friend Tanya a couple of nights ago and she gave me a new prespective. It sounds a little morbid and wacked but it gives me a little comfort. The Lord has given me the special job of being a vessel to get seven precious babies straight to Him. They are in the best hands of all.
• I keep thinking if I could just be pregnant one more time and relish in being pregnant, I would never ask for anything. As I was sitting here thinking about that, I began to think about how I should be relishing and delighting in Lincoln and Dylan because they could be my last. Why am I wasting the precious seasons of the boy's lives wishing for another? Pretty messed up Jodi, pretty messed up.
• If  two boys is the number for our family, I will do the best by them I can.
• One day, after reciting and telling myself all these things, I will believe them whole heartedly and not question the Lord's plan for my family. One day I pray that my will lines up with His. Until then, I will just fake it until I make it.

"There is hope for your future" declares the LORD.

Jeremiah 31:17

Gratituesday: Just What I Needed

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This past weekend was just what I needed. It was relaxing... It was resting... It was a total gift from God.

Friday night, we went over to a game night at a friend's home. It is not normally something we would do but we decided to go anyway. Early that day when I found out this event was happening, I contacted my cousin and she was available to watch our kids ( I am totally weird about who watches my kids but that is a whole different post!).

I fed the kids and Catie came in. Andy and I snuck (is that a word?) off for a dinner date at Panera Bread. We sat and we chatted. We relaxed. And most important, we got on the same page. It was great!

We then went to the game night. It was a lot of fun. We enjoyed getting to meet knew people and play games. We stayed for a while and then headed home. We came home to an quiet house. The boys were asleep!

After a good night's sleep, we all got up gradually and had a yummy huge breakfast. This was the first Saturday in a while that we didn't have to rush off to basketball. After lounging around, we ran a few errands. We decided to have my aunt and uncle over for dinner to eat, play games and let our boys watch the Kids Choice Awards together. Once again, another great evening!

Sunday morning we went to church and praised and worshipped. It was a great service. After, we went to my Grandmother's for family lunch and then home for Sunday rest time.

That evening we went to see the African Children's Choir at our church. It was a great experience! The boys loved and it, as well as Andy and I! Then we went home and had dinner and began to prepare for the week.

God's love and His attention in the details is just amazing to me. He knew the relaxation and rest that I needed and He provided.

We are truly blessed and grateful around here! Have a story of gratitude or just want to read more -- click here!

Women Blessing Women: Including

Don’t just pretend to love others. Really love them. Hate what is wrong. Hold tightly to what is good. Love each other with genuine affection, and take delight in honoring each other. Never be lazy, but work hard and serve the Lord enthusiastically. Rejoice in our confident hope. Be patient in trouble, and keep on praying.  When God’s people are in need, be ready to help them. Always be eager to practice hospitality.

Romans 12:9-13

Do you know what an open and closed circle in communication means?

I did not know until a seminar this weekend at our church...

Have you ever walked up to a group of people in a circle and it was just hard to get included?

Have you ever looked around and saw groups of people who have similar circumstances and interests in one group and then another in a different part of the room?

Have you ever felt like the "odd man out"?

I know I have and I know that I have at church a lot of times at church...

Church is the one place that where everyone should be welcomed, loved and accepted. However, some times it just does not feel that way.

It breaks my heart to see a new face in the room searching for someone to reach out and the circles are formed and closed.

One easy way to bless other women is to include them and when you include them, listen to them. I know the Lord has truly equipped you!

So what do you say? This week when you walk through the church doors, I challenge you to look around for a new face and encourage them and make them feel special and like they belong. That will really be a woman blessing women!

Instead, be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God through Christ has forgiven you.

Ephesians 4:32

It's 3 o'clock!?!?

Good afternoon! :)

A quick Howdy-do! I just wanted to pop in and let y'all know of a few things going on around this part!

For the past few weeks, I have been trying to grow my blogging audience by many (I thought it was the Lord's direction.) and after a little bit of a failed attempt, I had another meeting with the CEO of Creation (aka God).

I feel Him pointing me in a new direction. I am going to continue bloggging and posting the series Women Blessing Women but I am not going to be as fervent and determined as I once was.

My focus is going to shift to those already in my life (family, friends, church) and those who already read my blog. And I bet if I miss a day of writing, y'all will forgive me.

Instead I am going to focus on more indepth and personal posts, getting my house together, finishing out the school year with a bang, getting ready for our church bazaar and the three last but in my book the most important things are: finding myself and new hobbies which I enjoy, spending time with my kids that are getting way too big way too quick, and growing a deeper relationship with my Father. (Wow! What a run-on sentence! sorry... )

I have to be completely honest with you. I have been searching desperately for the direction the Lord wants me to go and I thought it was this blog. I thought it was writing and ministering to you wonderful readers. But after much prayer and acutally listening, I feel the Lord leading me away from this. I feel Him telling me that I need to work on IRL relationships. I feel Him telling me to quit hiding in a land where others can only read my words and I'm "safe".

You see, I have been hiding. It is so easy to minister and open up to a group of people that don't see your face and that you don't have to see them. I am hiding behind a computer. It is time that I get out in my community and tell others about Jesus and myself. It is time that I put myself out there and try to let others in. It's just time.

And while I really feel this pushing from the Lord, I will still be checking in and updating y'all on the crazy adventures in motherhood and finding myself that I get into.

 Please be in prayer for me as I search for myself and open up to people that I do see. Pray that I have the courage and the faith...

Blessings dear friends!

Proud to be His Sister

Now I know this may open a can of worms and make some stop reading my blog. That is a chance I am willing today.

If you haven't read the beginning of my son, Dylan's birth story or my decision to follow Christ, please do so.

If you cannot tell, abortion is something that I feel a passion AGAINST! My whole adult life (from as young as 19 yo) has been in complete refute of abortion.

I cannot tell you how many times I heard and I am still hearing that I should have had an abortion. How can you even stand to look at him? Isn't he just a reminder? Doesn't it hurt?

My answers answered with questions:

• How can I not look at him? He is beautiful. He is part of me and in my opinion, his other half is the Lord's. How could he not be? He is amazing. He is all I yearn to be. He has changed lives.
• How could I not be glad that he is a reminder? He is NOT a reminder of being violated but a reminder of my transformation into a Christ-follower, mother, wife and friend. Dylan saved my life. God used him in a way that no one else could. He is a reminder that God is always good and faithful even when we don't understand. He is a reminder that God shows love and mercy in a physical form. He is a wonderful reminder...
• Doesn't it hurt? Somedays... but not like you'd think. I don't hurt about what happend that much anymore, I hurt for those who made the choice to terminate pregnancy. I yearn to hold them and pray with them. I know they hurt also... I know they hurt more.

With all that being said... Today I want to proclaim how proud I am to be Dylan's mother and sister in Christ, but also Tim Tebow's. What an incredible story. What an incredible young man to stand against many people to proclaim what he believes. I am proud to be his sister in Christ.

Today I ask you... Would you stand for what you believed in even if it meant losing friends or fans or blog readers?

And today I can tell you.. Yes I will stand for what I believe in and for what is good and right in God's eyes. I will stand!

Women Blessing Women: Listening

Listening.... Do you listen? Do you listen or do you just hear? Do you listen only with your ears or do listen with your heart and mind as well?

I believe one of the easiest and most personal thing we can do to bless other women is to listen with our ears, heart, and mind.

How often do we ask... "How are you doing?"  just to ask and not really because we want to know? We ask because it is what our culture has taught us to do. We don't always ask because we really care about how the other person is doing.

Listening to a each other and really trying to connect with each other can be a huge blessing for another woman.

Do you listen to other women? Do you ask others "How are you doing" and really value their response or do you ask just to ask? I challenge you this week to truly seek out other women and really ask them how they are doing. I small action such as listening with your ears, mind and heart can truly be a blessing to another woman.

Please be sure to come back for more Women Blessing Women!

GratiTuesday: Upward

I just L.O.V.E. GratiTuesday! I love the schedule time that I weekly sit down and think of just all that I have to be thankful for. I often have such a hard time picking what I am going to share with y'all. Isn't GratiTuesday just a blessing? Laura is definently a woman blessing other women!

This week I just want to praise the Lord and tell him how grateful I am for blessing our first Upward basketball game.

I feel am so grateful that God found me worthy to coach and witness to these young souls.

I am already learning so much from these sweet little souls.

I am so grateful that their little hearts are so innocent and they yearn to learn about the Lord.

I am grateful that the Lord equipped me to teach them about Him and even a little bball.

What are you grateful for today? We serve an AWESOME God, don't we?!?
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*This is linked to GratiTuesday.

Lord, You're All I've Got...

Many of you  have been following my posts on my son, Dylan's, birth. If you have been following you will hear some of this for a second time.

I grew up in church. I knew church. I grew up in church and knew all about how I should live and how I should have a relationship with Jesus. I knew... I knew what was expected of me. I knew that "becoming a christian" was the next step. I knew...

Sometimes knowing and really knowing are different. Sometimes knowing that your parents have a relationship with Jesus and knowing how they believe and feel are just enough to sustain you through your childhood. You think Mom and Dad know everything. (Don't they?) You mirror them and look up to them.

And sometimes, scratch that, a lot of times when you hit high school and college, when you run into "real life" (aka enticing sin-- my definition), you don't know why you believe those things, especially when you just want to fit in. You just want people to understand you and to like you. Sometimes the faith of your family takes a backseat.

That is what happened in my life. I thought I had a relationship with Jesus but in all actuality, I just had the faith of my parents. I had not made my own commitment and I had not made my faith my own. I had not sought after Jesus or what He wants for our lives. I had never studied or questioned or wondered everthing.

I got caught up in real life. I got caught up in the life of sin. I got caught up in the life of trying to find people who I thought I mattered a lot to. I got caught up in all the wrong things. I just got caught up...

And guess what.....

I got caught up in being caught up. The life I was living brought on many hard times. I found myself pregnant. I found myself all alone. I found myself with questions. I found myself...

While finding myself, I found God. I found God loved me regardless. I found God forgave me. I found God wanted me. I found God loved me. I found God wanted me and wanted a relationship with Him. I found God...

On Sunday, November 6th, 2005 I broke. I had no where to turn. I had no where to go to but the alter was calling me. I needed it and He wanted me... He was waiting there for me at the alter. I remember actually running to it. I remember actually laying on it. I remember actually sobbing on it. I remember the peace I felt, the embrace of my Jesus. He was waiting there to love me and for me to love Him back.

I am not going to lie and say from that moment on, I was perfect. I am not going to lie and say from that moment, I stopped sinning. I am not going to lie and say from that moment on, it was a 180 degree turn around. I am not going to lie. But I can tell you that Jesus stole my heart. He was all I had. He was what I wanted. He wanted and loved and yearned for me. I was home in His arms. I was His...

I had my son, Dylan and I continued to live for Jesus. I met my husband and we have a family that we are raising to love and know Jesus. I am blessed.

As my children grow up, it is very important to me that my husband and I stress just important it is for our children to find their relationship with Jesus. It is important to me that they find their own faith. It is important to me that they see just how much Jesus means to me....

He is so important....

I Need Your Help!

*PLEASE if you don't normally comment PLEASE leave one with ideas and your opinions!*

I am part of the Women's Ministry leadership team at my church. I have been feeling God speaking to my heart as I have been writing the Women Blessing Women series and unfortunately or fortunately, whatever it might be, He is convicting me.

Jodi, why do you have such good words but your actions are few?

Thus where my idea came from. We have not done a Holiday Bazaar in a long time. I have come up with an idea and I would like some input from y'all:

I would like to call the bazaar The Crafts for Christ Holiday Bazaar.

All money we make would be going to the Benevolence Fund at our church to help families in the community through hard economical and financial times.

I want to start a group for SAH women to gather every third Tuesday at our church for Crafts for Christ. You don't have to work on crafts if crafts isn't your thing, support and fellowship are just as important in my opinion! Also it would be great if some of my SAH friends would join us!

Now for your help! I would love to know...

If you came to a Holiday bazaar, what crafts/ideas would you be interested in? If you live in our area, what crafts/ideas/ways could we get you to come and fellowship/help/support, whatever it may be, on Crafts for Christ Tuesday?

I appreciate your input! Thank you from the bottom of my heart. You are truly a blessing to me...

Women Blessing Women: Equipping

I really need to come clean and be completely honest. When I started feeling lead to write this series, I was not at all excited. I kept arguing with God and kept losing. The arguments consisted of:

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  Lord, I am not a good enough writer to write this series.
  
  
  
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  Lord, I do not have the right words.
  
  
  
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  Lord, I don't know how you could use me to write this series.
  
  
  
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  Lord, just make my mom do it!
  
  
  

I have learned a lot from my mom. She is the director of Women's Ministries at our church. She has a love and passion for it. I am on the committee but I must once again tell the truth, I like to be part of the planning of fun!

Now in complete seriousness, I felt the Lord tell me that the same struggles I have with writing this series are the first issues I should write about...  equipping.

I don't feel equipped to bring such a strong message to an audience of Godly women and  a lot of time, women do not feel equipped to bless each other. Here are some of the excuses:

• I am too young. I am too middle-aged. I am too old.
• I just got married. I want time for me and my husband.
• I work.
• I am too busy.
• My kids take all my energy.
• We don't have any money.
• I am grouchy. I can hardly bless my family much less other women.
• I don't feel like it.

I have felt most of those excuses from time to time.

But do you know exactly what they are? They are excuses, lines Satan is feeding you. Satan does not want you to bring faith and love (things of God) to others. He does not want you to uplift each other in the name of God. He despises, even hates, things of God.

So today is the day that we stop feeding ourselves these excuses. Today is the day where we pray that the Lord's will be done. Even if it's hard. We need to pray that God frees up time. We need to pray that He gives us ideas.

Today I am grateful that God has made me look past those excuses and share with you just how we can bless each other.

So what about you? Are you ready to put aside the excuses and let God use you?

I challenge you. I challenge you to pray this week and ask that your heart and mind be opened.

It was he who gave some to be apostles, some to be prophets, some to be evangelists, and some to be pastors and teachers, to prepare God's people for works of service, so that the body of Christ may be built up until we all reach unity in the faith and in the knowledge of the Son of God and become mature, attaining to the whole measure of the fullness of Christ.

-Ephesians 4:11-13-

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*This post is linked to GratiTuesday.

Join Me...

Tonights the night for the sinners and the saints, two worlds collide in a glorious display-cause it's all love tonight when we step across the line; We can said acrossed the sea to a city with one King, a city on our knees...  Toby Mac

Sisters and brothers, there is much anquish and heavy hearts tonight.  There are losses of babies and family members. There are loses of jobs. There are people looking for jobs. There is illness. There is abuse. There are hard times everywhere. Sometimes we cannnot tell by looking at someone, but there is something down deep going on. Also, please be in prayer for those in Haiti.  Will you join me in prayer tonight as a city on our knees?

For where two or three come together in my name, there I am with them.

Matthew 18:20

Empty

Cast your cares upon the Lord and He will sustain you. Psalm 55:22

You all have become such good friends and encouragers and prayer warriors... Therefore, I am coming to you all with a heavy heart and with a lot of prayers needed. There are many issues upon my heart...

1. I don't know if y'all follow Arianne but she could use everyone's prayers. Arianne was 18 weeks and went in for an ultrasound and the ultrasoundshowed that her baby had died. She really needs everyone's prayers of peace and comfort.
2. My friend Terra has a friend who also just lost a baby at 20 weeks. Her cervix tore and they were not able to save him. She is in dire need of prayer also
3. I had terrible "mommy intuition" this week. Lincoln has been sick for weeks. We all have. I just thought it was "cold season". So I waited. I ignored it. I doctored. Yesterday, I had enough. I called the Dr.'s office at 6:35 P and luckily they were still there and got him in at 6:50 P. When the doctor came in and checked him out, he was diagnosed with an upper respiratory infection, double ear infection, double pink eye and strep. Then he proceeded to tell me how he should have been in weeks ago! ugh!!
4. While walking out in a total hurry and not paying attention at how slick it was, I felt myself falling forward (while holding the baby). To keep from him hitting the ground (for Pete's sake I had already neglected how sick he was, I wasn't going to let me touch the ground!), I flung my body backwards- "Head meet curb, curb meet head!" My leg is also messed up from bending in ways that legs shouldn't bend. Needless to say, I am in pain. BUT one day I can tell Lincoln "I sacrificed my body so that you weren't sick and hurt!".
5. Today, I went to the Dr. Let's just say the above scenario occurred for me also... Sigh..... "Hello Z-Pac".
6. So I laid the ground work for just how bad I feel so that it can be understood that my next crazy ramblings venting seems a little more logical. 
7. Lord I want a baby! We have been trying and trying and trying. I'm tired of trying and no results. I am tired of not trying and no results. I am tired of praying for a baby. I am tired of feeling like God is not listening to me! I am tired!! Please pray for me as I seem to keep hearing everywhere "Guess what I'm pregnant!". I really don't want to hear it again! I think I might lose my mind. Please just pray... I don't know how to explain it.
8. I feel extremely bad for being so upset about my empty womb when there are so many others in need of prayer. I am selfish...

If you y'all find the time, please stop by Arianne's blog and just let her know that you love her and are sending prayers. I'd appreciate it!

The Birth Story of Dylan James: Part 3

Please pray along with me that God uses this. That others can find help and grow to know His love through me...

Friends, this isn't where I was expecting to go with the next installment of Dylan's birth story (Part 1 and Part 2). I have sat down many times to continue writing it but Sisters and Brothers, the devil is at work. Everytime I sit down I feel his presence and I continually call out "In the name of Jesus be gone!" and I have to tell you, the devil leaves but the feelings of guilt, insignificance, being unloved, being dirty, and just being all out ashamed come back. I truly believe that the closer in your faith and to the Lord you get, the more the devil wages war. The devil is not happy that I am trying to tell the story of when I was in evil's hands and how the Lord's love changed me, delivered me and brought me to a new place.

Therefore, after many times and trying to write this installment, I have decided that I need to step back and tell you a different angle of the story. I want to write about how those events in my life have shaped my life right now- the good, bad and the down right ugly. So here is my warning to you:

If you are reading where young eyes can read, please stop. If you are looking for a happy-go-lucky entry, please stop reading. If you are wanting this to be short, please come back to it another time... Please be praying for me and my war against the devil and his cruel ideas. Please pray for those who have lived the same nightmare and daily fight to live in God's light and love.

First and foremost I want it to be known to the whole world that I am blessed by God. I love my husband and my sons especially Dylan. None of what happened will ever be his fault in my eyes. While some days, it is tough but there is nothing I wouldn't do for him. He saved my life and forever I will be indebted to my first born...

Where do I go now? The devil is already waging his cruel games and ideas upon me. Ack!

Okay I am going to take an easier way and hopefully by the end, I will be able to open up more. Here is a song that I continually listen to, it's words so perfectly reflect my life and how I live it and relate to it.

By Your Side- Tenth Avenue North

By Your Side

Why are you striving these days?
Why are you trying to earn grace?
(Daily I struggle to earn grace for the sins I have commited. Daily I fight the feelings (STILL!) that I deserved it. Daily I struggle with feelings of inferiority. I feel like, even in blogging, that I will never measure up. I will never be the mom that I was meant to be. I do everything I can possibly do prove that I'm good enough. That I am worth something. I try to earn being a good person by being perfect and then when I don't measure up, I beat myself up unmercifully.)
Why are you crying?
Let me lift up your face.
Just don't turn away.
(Why am I crying Lord? I'm crying because I deserved it. I am nothing. I was nowhere close to you or where I should have been. I was asking for it! Lord, I dressed unappropriately and I asked for it! Lord if I would have been home with my parents instead of hanging out with the wrong people and doing the wrong things, this never would have happened! Lord, my family. Oh how I hurt my family. Lord bless them for what I did to them and they dealt with Lord. How could you want to see my face? I'm dirty I'm unclean. I do not deserve your forgiveness, your love or even your life. Lord you are too good. I cannot help but feel the urge to run away from what I do not deserve.)
Why are you looking for love?
Why are you still searching as if I'm not enough.
To where will you go child?
Tell me where will you run.
To where will you run.
And I'll be by your side,
Wherever you fall.
In the dead of night.
Whenever you call.
And please don't fight,
These hands that are holding you.
My hands are holding you.
Look at these hands and my side.
They swallowed the grave on that night.
When I drank the world's sin.
So I could carry you in.
And give you life,
I want to give you life.

Okay... I get to the last point in the song and just start sobbing everytime I hear it. I know I am flawed, dirty, unworthy, spoiled, inferior but Jesus LOVES me! He's holding me and everytime these feelings creep in, I will hold on to the promises that Jesus has spoken. If I fall again, he'll be there. It's part of being human. That's why he died. It's not my fault. I wasn't asking for it. I made mistakes but who hasn't? Those mistakes made me the woman I am today and even if I'm not as good as other mothers, I'm trying and I will keep trying.

Honestly, everyday, 5 1/2 years later is still a struggle. Everyday I have to wake up and read my Bible and proclaim that I am a child of God. A child that God himself delieverd from the darkness and brought into the light.

I dread the day that I have to tell Dylan all that happened to me. I think about what I'll say often and I pray about it daily. But as the words to this song say, He'll be by my side. Honestly, Dylan was worth it. I am not proud of the person I was or the things that happened to me, but they gave me my son and they made me who I am. The Devil will no longer hold the reigns anymore. I will use my story and I will help those who have been hurt the same way or in different ways. With God by my side, we will win!

Now with Him by my side, I am going to come right out and say this in words that I have never spoken to you before... "I was sexually assulted and I struggle by the minute, the hour and by the day. If you know anyone or you yourself have been also, please email me. We need each other. I need you. "

Jer 29:11 (NIV) "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

 

Toilet Talks on a Monday Morning...

All of us already know that I am crazy, BUT I cannot be the only one that does this...

Does anyone else converse with themselves as they are cleaning toilets?

And I just have to warn you that today, while cleaning the toilets, I had some serious conversations... Be warned these are a couple of random thoughts, but they are deep and a little serious... (Isn't a little weird that I am having serious, "grown-up" thoughts while I'm cleaning toilets? Hmm.. Thought provoking... )

And let me just state this one more time for the record: This is my personal blog. My thoughts, my passions, my ramblings... If you read this and are offended, I am sorry. It is not my intention at all. I am only the Messenger for the King of Kings and the Lord of Lords. Here I go...

Random Thought at the Toilet Number 1:

Around this time of year, every year, I begin to get anxious due to the fact that a certain family event is coming up. This week, that family event if happening...And at the risk of sounding like a hormonal, whinny teenager, I want to share with you my feelings about it...

It all goes back to summer about 7 years ago. My family was at another member's house and some family from out of town came and were there too. I had friend with me and she was very pretty and my male cousin was interested in her. They went out for a little bit and a little while afterward she called and told me, "Jodi, your cousin says that his whole family hates you and only puts up with you because your family and they PRETEND they like you, but they really don't..."

First of all, I had no idea that these were the feelings. I had always loved my family, everyone in my family, but I do know that family can get annoying. But never in a million years, did I think they were pretending to even stand me. Second, as I look back, I cannot believe that friend felt it necessary to call me and tell me all this.

Now I chalk it up to being a teenager and all that, but it still haunts me. I know that back then I was not a nice person and did some really silly things, but I still worry that they aren't giving me a chance to see that I have changed. Now I have to be honest... I take things a little personally but I still feel this insecurity everytime I have to be around them. And this weekend would happen to be the weekend.... Can anyone say silly anxiety?

Random Thought at the Toilet Number 2:

I love following Laura's blog. She is such an awesome mother, wife, believer, cook, money savor... and the list goes on and on and on... (I am writing this at the risk of being really annoying. I know it won't annoy her because she is such a super sweet person and I am blessed to call her a friend! If your reading this... You bless me Laura, really you do!)

Ugh and what's worse is she is writing about how she is just a normal mom like everyone else, "a real mom"!

Seriously, Jodi... Comparing much?!? Wishing you were better much? Coveting much? Jealous much?

Ummm... Get a grip girl!!

A couple of weeks ago, I was complaining (scratch that... whinning) to a friend on facebook (I am not brave enough to do it in person....) I was going on and on about what was wrong with me and my life and what I did not have that I wanted (Thanks for still loving me!). Gently my friend, who is struggling in her own life, said "Jodi, do you know how many times I wished I were you?" Do you know how many times I thought "Jodi's got it together and everything I want..."

That really took me back...Do people really look at me and see someone that has it all and all together?

I know that I am no where NEAR having it all together but isn't that just the same as I am doing with Laura? Aren't I looking at what I perceive she is and has and then wishing myself more? Isn't that just as crazy?

In Genesis 1, the Bible tells us that "God made us in His image." He made us like him. If we truly believe in His awesomeness, shouldn't we quit being so hard on ourselves?

God loved us so much that He sent His only son to die for our sins. Isn't that the love we should be meditating on? Does God love us any less if we have laundry stacked up or the kitchen table isn't cleared? NO WAY! His love and goodness surpasses all those little things which in the long run, have little importance.

Does it matter that my family may or may not hate me and not like being around me? It surely does hurt, but it really shouldn't matter as much as it does. God loves me! God has forgiven me. That is the truth that should be the end all, be all of the moment.

Then why do we compare and put so much pressure on ourselves? Why do we expect such mighty things from ourselves? Why do we try to please people and not just the Lord? Why is it so important for everyone to like us? Not even everyone liked Jesus, the most compassionate, perfect person EVER!

So please... (and I'm sayin' this to myself too) can we please stop comparing ourselves as mothers and stop trying to please everyone? Love yourself for the person God made you and loves! Give yourself a little break and quit beingso hard on yourself!

As Alicia would say (I just love this!)...

Just keepin' it real,

Saturday Evening Blog Post: 1st Edition

As I was reading Elizabeth's favorite post of the year and why, I really sympathized with her favorite post of the year. It had to do with a personal experience and her past in which she is still dealing with.

As I read that, I had to think about the series of posts that I started about the conception of my first son.

Opening up to the world about his conception was extremely hard to do, yet it was so freeing. All the feelings that are coming to the surface are still very real to me and I feel everyone of them again. BUT as I write Dylan's story (and my story) I am reminded that God's mercies are new every morning. I am also struck by just how much (I didn't know at the time) that He was right there holding my hand and loving me still.

So I invite you to read over the beginning of Dylan's story for the first, second or third time and really see just how much the Lord was with me, even when I realize it.

Now be for warned that I have not been able to bring myself to finish or publish part three. Remembering has been difficult and I am to a part of the story where I need prayers. I covet your prayers. Soon, I promise I will be publishing part three.

Until then, Dylan's story part 1 and part 2 are much more to me then a favorite series, it is a new beginning and a new lesson to learn and share. Please join me and read them...


For more favorite posts of 2009, Elizabeth Ester's place is the place to go!

Praise Him...

Praise Him. Praise Him all ye little children....

Lincoln was asleep, Andy and I were trying to wade through all the Christmas gift received and Dylan was looking for something to do so we were listening to a CD that Dylan and Lincoln received on Christms Morning called Veggie Tales: Here I Am to Worship. (If you haven't heard this CD, it is a must hear!)

Andy was organizing CDs in the back room and I was running around doing nothing but something (does that make sense to anyone else?) and Dylan was dancing and singing. It was so beautiful!

All of the sudden this song started playing.....

Dylan stopped singing and Dylan stopped dancing... He just sat on the couch with sweet, innocent tears running down his little cheeks.... He cried and he cried and he cried.....

Andy and I could not get him to calm down.

After much effort and much Mama holding, Dylan started pouring his heart out... He was sad because he wished Jesus would not have died. He wished that Jesus was right there next to him so that he could sing the song for Him and dance for Him. Dylan was crying "happy-sad" tears...

As a mother of a four year old, I had never thought there would be a chance (for a while) that I could be so moved by my son's faith. Today I was proven wrong... My four year old yearns to sing and dance for Jesus and he yearns to make Him proud.

Today I am proud of my son's child-like faith and I am proud to be his Mama...

2He called a little child and had him stand among them. 3And he said: "I tell you the truth, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven. 4Therefore, whoever humbles himself like this child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven. 5"And whoever welcomes a little child like this in my name welcomes me. 6But if anyone causes one of these little ones who believe in me to sin, it would be better for him to have a large millstone hung around his neck and to be drowned in the depths of the sea.

Matthew 18:2-6