Friends, this isn't where I was expecting to go with the next installment of Dylan's birth story (Part 1 and Part 2). I have sat down many times to continue writing it but Sisters and Brothers, the devil is at work. Everytime I sit down I feel his presence and I continually call out "In the name of Jesus be gone!" and I have to tell you, the devil leaves but the feelings of guilt, insignificance, being unloved, being dirty, and just being all out ashamed come back. I truly believe that the closer in your faith and to the Lord you get, the more the devil wages war. The devil is not happy that I am trying to tell the story of when I was in evil's hands and how the Lord's love changed me, delivered me and brought me to a new place.
Therefore, after many times and trying to write this installment, I have decided that I need to step back and tell you a different angle of the story. I want to write about how those events in my life have shaped my life right now- the good, bad and the down right ugly. So here is my warning to you:
If you are reading where young eyes can read, please stop. If you are looking for a happy-go-lucky entry, please stop reading. If you are wanting this to be short, please come back to it another time... Please be praying for me and my war against the devil and his cruel ideas. Please pray for those who have lived the same nightmare and daily fight to live in God's light and love.
First and foremost I want it to be known to the whole world that I am blessed by God. I love my husband and my sons especially Dylan. None of what happened will ever be his fault in my eyes. While some days, it is tough but there is nothing I wouldn't do for him. He saved my life and forever I will be indebted to my first born...
Where do I go now? The devil is already waging his cruel games and ideas upon me. Ack!
Okay I am going to take an easier way and hopefully by the end, I will be able to open up more. Here is a song that I continually listen to, it's words so perfectly reflect my life and how I live it and relate to it.
By Your Side- Tenth Avenue North
By Your Side
Why are you striving these days?
Why are you trying to earn grace?
(Daily I struggle to earn grace for the sins I have commited. Daily I fight the feelings (STILL!) that I deserved it. Daily I struggle with feelings of inferiority. I feel like, even in blogging, that I will never measure up. I will never be the mom that I was meant to be. I do everything I can possibly do prove that I'm good enough. That I am worth something. I try to earn being a good person by being perfect and then when I don't measure up, I beat myself up unmercifully.)
Why are you crying?
Let me lift up your face.
Just don't turn away.
(Why am I crying Lord? I'm crying because I deserved it. I am nothing. I was nowhere close to you or where I should have been. I was asking for it! Lord, I dressed unappropriately and I asked for it! Lord if I would have been home with my parents instead of hanging out with the wrong people and doing the wrong things, this never would have happened! Lord, my family. Oh how I hurt my family. Lord bless them for what I did to them and they dealt with Lord. How could you want to see my face? I'm dirty I'm unclean. I do not deserve your forgiveness, your love or even your life. Lord you are too good. I cannot help but feel the urge to run away from what I do not deserve.)
Why are you looking for love?
Why are you still searching as if I'm not enough.
To where will you go child?
Tell me where will you run.
To where will you run.
And I'll be by your side,
Wherever you fall.
In the dead of night.
Whenever you call.
And please don't fight,
These hands that are holding you.
My hands are holding you.
Look at these hands and my side.
They swallowed the grave on that night.
When I drank the world's sin.
So I could carry you in.
And give you life,
I want to give you life.
Okay... I get to the last point in the song and just start sobbing everytime I hear it. I know I am flawed, dirty, unworthy, spoiled, inferior but Jesus LOVES me! He's holding me and everytime these feelings creep in, I will hold on to the promises that Jesus has spoken. If I fall again, he'll be there. It's part of being human. That's why he died. It's not my fault. I wasn't asking for it. I made mistakes but who hasn't? Those mistakes made me the woman I am today and even if I'm not as good as other mothers, I'm trying and I will keep trying.
Honestly, everyday, 5 1/2 years later is still a struggle. Everyday I have to wake up and read my Bible and proclaim that I am a child of God. A child that God himself delieverd from the darkness and brought into the light.
I dread the day that I have to tell Dylan all that happened to me. I think about what I'll say often and I pray about it daily. But as the words to this song say, He'll be by my side. Honestly, Dylan was worth it. I am not proud of the person I was or the things that happened to me, but they gave me my son and they made me who I am. The Devil will no longer hold the reigns anymore. I will use my story and I will help those who have been hurt the same way or in different ways. With God by my side, we will win!
Now with Him by my side, I am going to come right out and say this in words that I have never spoken to you before... "I was sexually assulted and I struggle by the minute, the hour and by the day. If you know anyone or you yourself have been also, please email me. We need each other. I need you. "
Jer 29:11 (NIV) "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."