And you know what I have to say?
Quit being so nosey!
So this post is going to be honest and maybe brutal but it's going to be what it is going to be... Bear with me. Love me anyway...
These past couple months have been filled with a flurry of praises and requests, hurts and joys, hard times and good times..
Mostly, they have been a flurry of health concerns. And while I can say God has been faithful, there are still many questions in my mind. Many unanswered requests.
I'll start at the begining of our journey.
For a long while, I have been convicted about our health, eating habits, and environment. I, however, have not had the self-discipline to make the changes necessary. I have tried a couple of times and have failed time and time again.
A few months ago, I was diagnosed with Adult ADHD, OCD, Anxiety and a couple of different phobias. I have begun a couple of different medications but really struggle with putting those toxins in my body.
It has also been said on my blog that I have been diagnosed with PCOS. We have been trying and trying to conceive for a while now. About a month ago, I finally went to the Dr. and asked what steps I could take in order to ovulate (I only ovulated 2 x last year.) and what help I might need with my bad cervix. I really do not know what I expected but after a while of telling her my concerns this is what she said and I quote...
I would like to put you on clomid. However, with your numbers, we have concluded that you have approximately a 68% chance of conceiving multiples NATURALLY. Therefore, I will put you on half of the necessary dose. I promise you that you will not conceive twins but MULTIPLES. With your last pregnancy, it was shown that your body cannot physically carry more than one baby (Lincoln was a twin.). Therefore, I ETHICALLY (Really?!? Ethically!?!) will have to push you to terminate down to one baby.I was stunned. I just took the script for Clomid and drove home in utterly disbelief. How could I honestly and in good faith put those toxins in my body and then put myself in the positition to possibly have to choose my life or my future childrens? After talking to Andy, we decided Clomid was not for us and we would hand it over to the Lord.
Okay... I had recently been diagnosed with OCD. Do you know what goes hand and hand with OCD? Being a total control FREAK! Seriously, how can I give this huge burden to the Lord?
I struggled with this for a few weeks and after having decide I could not carry this burden anymore, I handed it to the Lord.
In the mean time, I had my annual cancer check. The doctor called and told me that they needed to re-test. For a couple of weeks, I stewed and stewed over possibly having cancer again.
In comes the past week. I had been weirdly sick for a couple of days and after feeling so yucky, I decided to take a pregnancy test. It was positive!! God is good! I gave over my burden and He was faithful and had blessed me!
I could not believe it so I sent Andy to the store for another batch of tests (Did I mention that EVERYONE I know is pregnant!?!). The next 6 tests were negative. I had a false positive test.
My heart broke. My faith shattered. How could this be?! What a cruel joke? I handed my burdent to Jesus and he allowed a false positive? I felt betrayed. I felt slapped in the face. I felt hurt. I still feel a lot of those things.
I know what people think... "You are 25 years old. You have time." Well I understand where you are coming from. However, being 25 years old and having had 6 miscarriages and a false positive, I am done. I no longer can handle the anticipation. The pain. The worry. The wonder. I can no longer allow myself to feel. It just hurts too much now.
I am struggling. I am questioning. I am wondering.
I really need to launch myself into something. I really need to find the discipline to take care of myself and my family.
Therefore, real foods, here I come. I have talked about meeting with you. I have talked about spending most of my eating time with you and it is now time. The time is now!
I get extremely overwhelmed with the knowledge of whole foods online. Sometimes, I just need the meat and potatoes. Therefore, I started a facebook group called "Nourishing Foods". You might or might not be a friend of mine on facebook. No matter the case, if you are interested in learning about the "meat and potatoes" of real foods or if you are intersted in linking up some of your posts on real foods, PLEASE join me! All are welcome and I would love the information.
So, please come and check it out. Join me. Hold me accountable. I could really use it.