Monday, March 2, 2009

But I Really Want To...

When my husband and I first started dating we had the "talks" such as how many kids, goals, dreams, etc. I feel very guilty for lying to him. I told him what I knew he wanted me to say. See I was very insecure and had come out of very crazy relationships so I had no confidence. If I spoke up for what I really wanted and he did not feel the same way then he would not want me.

I did not always know what I wanted. When I had my first son, I begged them to do a full hysterectomy at 19 yo. There was no way I wanted more kids, I did not know if I wanted the one I had and I wanted no chance for more.

Fast forward to Andy and our marriage. Once I calmed down and found that it is okay to stay at home and let someone else provide for you, I have eased into my love of staying home and my love of children. See, before life got hard and I got scared, I always wanted a big family. I would daydream of the day that I could look down the table and see all my beautiful children staring back at me. I know it's not always that rosy, but I cannot imagine life anyway.

I want to have a big family to do my best by in the Lord's eyes. I want to have a little army for Him.

Now this has caused some issues between Andy and I. Andy ALWAYS just wanted 2 kids (now he is open to maybe one more..) and when we were dating I said "More then two kids- me? No way. Two will be just fine! Goodness, gracious, what a lie!

So that is the first thing that I really want that Andy is not too crazy about and the second one would be Homeschooling.

I know people around here look at me like I'm crazy but I just think going to school is a waste! I think it is a waste of time, I think it takes time away from family, I think it does not each all I want it to, I do not think even private school teach as much as I would like them too. I want to bring up my children in the way I see fit and that way is to home school.

So as the days go on Andy and I will keep chatting about our futures and ultimately what God wants of us but until then please be in prayer for us.

1 comment:

The Happy Housewife said...

I would definitely pray about it. As someone who started out married to someone who only wanted 1 kid and never would have considered homeschooling, I can tell you God can change anyone's heart. We now have 6 kids (#7 coming soon) and have been homeschooling for 9 years.